New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
