remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
