one two three fourrrrnication!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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