Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Farmville is her only friend.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
