So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
