Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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