The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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