How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I need moral support for this bender
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
