the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
