mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
