At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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