I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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