You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
