Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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