Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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