im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
