yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
