Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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