Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
