i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
