Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
