Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
