just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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