this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
