Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
