you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
