woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
