someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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