I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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