I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
