I think I died a long time ago.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
