i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
