woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
