I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
