Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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