You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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