Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
