I accidentally had phone sex last night
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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