The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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