thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
