It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
