Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Fuck appropriateness.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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