youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
love makes seman taste better
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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