I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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