Capitaan dildo arrescate!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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