I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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