I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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