That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
