help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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