Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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